FOX
A compelling and revealing autobiographical vignette
by and about Rowena D. Regal


ROWENA'S TUTORIALS
FOR BUTTER LIVING
copyright Rowena D. Regal 1995*

Principles appearing in these tutorials will be either "absolute" (standing under any circumstance) or "relative" (relative to circumstance).

I.e.: "there is no room for debate with Rowena" is an "absolute" principle; as is "giving fair warning to a victim before committing a sin, act of cruelty, or crime unequivocally fixes culpability upon the 'victim' ~ period"

However, "never covet what your neighbor has" is a "relative" principle: as in: "that sweater would look much better on me with my coloring". Rowena is open to comments and suggestions, although final decisions are made by Rowena and are unequivocally absolute.

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ROWENA'S LESSON I
Absolute Maxim 104.b:

Never Ever
Connect The Dots

The shortest distance
between you and
your unequivocal desire
is achieved by the
wily navigation of
subterranean passages.

Maybe it's nice,
maybe it's not,
but that's how it is.


Rowena's Very Own Personal Example:


My eden of entry for this world was as effervescent as a densely occupied beehive stranded in Antarctica.

Picture...
clusters of identical buildings, each embracing an ovoidal patch of grass and a fenced~in playground with swings, monkey bars, slides and sandboxes. Patterns for hop~skip games are incised into the cement ground; and all this mediocrity is a skip, hop and a jump from your door.

This holistic environment was there to keep us properly corralled in a playpenitentiary. Personally, I would sooner sip lye through a straw than hang out there.

However, coerced into "play" with inducements, I did my best to make it interesting. And, should you find yourself in a similar predicament, you should do the same, as follows:

Not wearing underpanties when climbing on the monkey bars is good.

Stealing matches, striking them and throwing them into trash cans is good.

Sans matches, it is fair game to strike another child, or their pet. Then, wail before they do, so the grownup thinks that they hit YOU, or, alternatively, when they wail, look incredulous and then hurt beyond measur e if accused.

Remember, few things in life are as gratifying as when the grownup believes your story instead of the other little person's, particularly when its not true.

Having eaten of the apple early on, I made it a point to track down significant others. There is little jouissance in dealing with infantile, namby~pamby, sissy or très retro peers. You must have peers you ca n sink your teeth into, figuratively speaking, of course.

Seeking ways to disobey your parents while still observing the letter of their law is a sublime creative act.

.....more of Rowena's Very Own Personal Example:

Faithful to the spirit of cliché which enveloped our household like a peat bog, my parents forbade me the self~propelled crossing of streets. For balance of power, I made use of the fact that all t he buildings were connected by labyrinthine underground passages poised to accommodate a mass evacuation or a 100% duck and cover of the neighborhood. One could descend into the basement and turn up miles away or just down the street from one's point of origin and not once break the tribal street~crossing taboo or have to lie about it. [There is no sense in unnecessarily compromising one's character.]

No one said that this underbelly of the municpal hive was taboo and so, here on a platter was the benefit of avoiding street traffic as well as bypassing its din; leaving one to concentrate in pure silence on navigat ion and the nature of self~inflicted terror as a path to adventure. Feeling fortunate to suffer from benign neglect, I could explore Oz for hours and not worry about the State of Kansas calling out the militia.

This left me free for philosophical speculation: Since all the buildings were identical, contemplating where I was geographically was nowhere near as interesting as pondering if it mattered where I was geographically .

Homecoming was synchronized with dinnertime. Over hot chocolate and a lamb chop, I would subject my little brother to mental torture two weeks after Pokey, his aptly named turtle, was laid to rest outside the kitchen window. "It was only hibernating, Erik, and will wake up underground all dressed up with no place to go." Pokey's grave marker, constructed of ice cream sticks, had washed away. The neighbors ranted bitterly when Erik uprooted their geraniums and emp ty whiskey bottles in the quest for a precious reptile's ressurection. I, naturally, stood on the sidelines sighing: "Erik, he's......so young, so grieved, so ............. bovine.

Life continues to be rewarding.....

and Rowena will continue with Rowena's Tutorials.


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UPCOMING
ROWENA TUTORIALS:

Lesson 2:
SPITE IS MIGHT

Lesson 3:
THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH
BUT ONLY AFTER THE REST OF US
HAVE MOVED UPSCALE
TO A BETTER NEIGHBORHOOD

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TERMS AND CONDITIONS
FOR COPYING, DISTRIBUTION AND MODIFICATION OF
ROWENA'S TUTORIALS

This License applies to any course of instruction or other work which is or which derives from ROWENA'S TUTORIALS under copyright law, i.e., any work containing all or a portion of ROWENA'S TUTORI ALS verbatim or with modifications and/or translated into another language.

You may copy and distribute verbatim copies of ROWENA'S TUTORIALS in any medium, provided that you conspicuously and appropriately publish on each copy an appropriate copyright notice; and give any other reci pients of Rowena's Tutorials, a copy of this License along with ROWENA'S TUTORIALS, sending $5 for each instance of the above to Rowena D. Regal, c/o Rowena's Tutorials Inc., A9EEFF Hexadecimal Drive, Munchie, Indiana 000000.

You may charge a fee for the physical act of transferring a copy, but you must remit the fee in its entirety to Rowena D. Regal, c/o Rowena's Tutorials Inc., A9EEFF Hexadecimal Drive, Munchie, Indiana 000000.

You may modify copies of Rowena's Tutorials or any portion, thus forming a work based on Rowena's Tutorials Inc., and copy and distribute such modifications or work. Modified files must carry prominent notices stating that you changed the files and the date of any change and a check in the amount of 50% of gross profits must be forwarded to Rowena D. Regal, c/o Rowena's Tutorials Inc., A9EEFF He xadecimal Drive, Munchie, Indiana 000000, once a month for each month modified copy is being distributed or published.

Far be it from us to claim rights or contest your rights to work written entirely by you; rather, the intent is to exercise the right to control the distribution of derivative or collective works based on Rowena's Tutorials, i.e., you can put your two cents in, but you cant take it with you.

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Please address questions, suggestions, comments and checks to:
Rowena D. Regal, c/o

The Casaba Melon Institute