January 7, 1986

9:39 am

Jess up early and out the door this morning. Don't know why, probably his loan.

I've got to start exercising. There's this waddling sensation in my legs and the fingers of my left hand are numb from smoking too much.

I'm up early and ready to get to work but my mind is blank, nothing working up there, no thoughts. I can't even think of anything to put down on this paper and that's why I'm typing pap.

Need to go out for a walk to clear my head, then start the morning over.

10:39 am

Feeling better, just a case of morning hysteria. Now I should be able to think about what to do today. First I have to get working on the SANDPIT book, work on the NEWSWEEK collages, maybe even read the article on haggis and Boswell for AURA. Some good music on the stereo (the radio can be depressing these days).

Stayed up until seven in the morning doing coke with Jess Sunday. I'd already had two quarts of beer but it seemed to do some good to get wired. I talked a lot of problems out about what I was going to do with my art work. Jess is oddly perceptive about certain things in my work, or is it that sometimes I work on such a simplistic level that even he can connect.

One thing I know for sure is that I have to work on "exorcising" certain ways of thinking...and by that I mean I have to do "personal" paintings that "illustrate" my history. Once out and dealt with I'll be able to go on to the rest of the world. That should take up 1986.

"Everyone in Paradise carries a gun" -- Elvis Costello.

Toxic gas leak at the Kerr-McGee plant in Gore, Oklahoma on the TV news all weekend and not a mention of Karen Silkwood. The Times buried her name in the back pages of an article Monday.

New York State is planning a "friendly" takeover of Lilco -- about time. And we worry about Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi threatening to chase Americans down the street.

In thinking about history -- my own and in general -- perhaps it isn't a bad idea to try and link the subjective with the objective to form a synthesis. The image of the sailor...my father (landlocked island), Ulysses and Star Wars. Shipbuilding. Look up that story about tearing a ship apart and building a new one from the refuse -- which one is the original?

And is all this talk of history really important?

HISTORY (Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary) -- (L. historia fr. Gk, inquiry, history from histor, istor, knowing, learned; akin to Gk eidenai to know -- more at WIT) 1: TALE, STORY 2 a: a chronological record of significant events (as effecting a nation or institution) usu. including and explanation of their causes b. a treatise presenting systematically related natural phenomena c. an account of a sick person's medical background 3: a branch of knowledge that records and explains past events (medieval--) 4 a: events that form the subject matter of a history b: past events (that's all -- now) c: previous treatment, handling, or experience (as of a metal)

What is the opposite of history?

One thing an art object does is record its own history in the making of it, it is a model of history, all inclusive and is thus a model for history in general.

Blackmur on Henry Adams.

Go back through SKETCH.