January 1, 1986

12:06 am

I've already broken my resolution to stop smoking -- the first six minutes didn't seem worth living without it.

Met Jess at the bar for a New Years drink, he gave me my Christmas present and the money he owed me. We didn't stay to hug at the stoke of midnight -- it didn't seem like the place we'd like to do that. He had two friends with him who frowned on the bar, found it not to their liking and fled to The Monster.

He called me yesterday at 8:00 am to say he was somewhere in Westchester and there was a jerk sleeping in the next room. Other than that he didn't have much of a clue as to where he was or how he'd gotten there. He didn't know any more this evening. He looked sad (probably sick) and had decided against staying in the city -- he's leaving (he said) January 13 for Texas. My heart goes with him as well as my knowledge that I'm no longer the person I was when he met me and he knows it, knows I'm no longer the person he wants.

Bruce Wall said hello and I'm afraid I was rude to him but I'm not the person he use to know, either. He said he was glad I'm still alive. I wish people wouldn't say that though we all think it.

Someone else said hello to Jess, didn't they know him from The Saint? Turns out they knew his twin (who hasn't been around lately. I'm sure we'll run into each other). Jess said he saw his twin in a cab a few weeks ago going down Second Avenue. They waved.

Worked til five-thirty at Meridian, then a few beers with Jerry at a Time's Square bar. He was all dressed up in Christmas clothes. He could have stayed there all night retelling me his monologues but I eventually got nervous and we left. He's probably back there now drinking it all away. He's going to concentrate on his acting jobs this year.

As for me I think I'm in need of a short but passionate love affair, just to get my keel straightened. But if not, not. I'll smoke the last of these cigarettes then go to sleep tonight to get up early and get to work on the new year. I've got so much to do.

12:42 pm

Washed the dishes should wash the floor and bathroom. Threw out Christmas cards should throw out more things. Want to take presents over to T but he isn't up yet.

Should concentrate on getting the painting room organized, to start on SANDPIT, do sketches, drawing up ideas of just what I want it to include (and why). I need storage space but can't get it so don't worry about it, just work around the old stuff. Do need to make myself more comfortable, should get a new chair for the kitchen, something to sit and read in. Also a real desk that doesn't fall off the wood blocks when I kick them.

A shower but I feel like feeling grungy.

Brunch with T, John and little Rickie to mourn the death of big Rickie Nelson in a plane crash last night. Somebody always has to do it, plan brunch for New Years Day that is.

Thought of incorporating Jess and his twin into the nut.

9:18 pm

Rick Thompson is not only physically bulky, he's personally bulky, too. Himself takes up more than his share of the room.

John gave me salt and pepper shakers. T, a blank book he made with marbleized end sheets. I planned to stash it away but started drawing in it and am now doing an inventory of all my images for SANDPIT. Ink sketches to get them down, go over them again and let the form take shape. Already I'm beginning to see things I didn't before. Can't say what but...

Did pretty good not smoking. Sat fidgeting at T's but I do feel a definite change in me when I've skipped an hour or so. Might just be in my mind but that's OK. Don't know how I'll be able to work and not smoke, but then I'll be able to do more work because I'm not smoking.

AURA is on the back burner. Will have to work on it Saturday.