October 7, 1984

I've managed to make a mess of everything I've started and am left with only boards turned to the wall that I don't have the enthusiasm to destroy. I've left a few showing because they seem harmless, pretty and comforting.

So, how to proceed? Take account of what I already have. The materials I've used, the images I've developed and start with that. Proceed slowly and firmly. There's no time for experimentation and I already have the results of previous experiments to work from.

IMAGES: Pandas, HOME, TROPE, head, urn, grid, skeleton, animal head, FALSECITY, Mickey Mouse.

MATERIALS: Cardboard, paper, tissue, watercolor, oil paint, graphite.

IDEAS: Pan in a PANIC ARCADE, memory all, false city, trope, landscape (same as panic arcade), home.

So now it comes down to finding (creating) adequate form for all of this. I am obsessed with the idea of fitting in, adapting or adjusting to the environment. The work of art as a thing of itself, not an illustration.

The more commercial work I do the more I have to do work to repair the damage to myself and the rest of the world. And what do I care about the rest of the world? Not much but I know, just as the Hindu and Buddhist know, that whatever you do will have an effect on the world, and that the work, in turn, has an effect on you. Art must be a form of James' RADICAL EMPIRICISM. Only what is there is what you sense.

And what has happened to PAN? His animal urges have been overtaken by his environment. He's been forced to create a new, artificial environment that he doesn't want, can't figure out what to do with.

A weekend of work but nothing produced has made me aware of one thing: the paintings I worked on had nothing to do with paint, something (but not much) to do with color and least of all with the way the paint was used. It had only to do with image -- trope -- and that is why they all fell apart.